And so he didn’t come back to me. Not yet, at least. That’s what I tell myself to be able to sleep at dawn right after the night has left and I have safely kept my depression hidden in my nightstand.

All my life I have looked for that swooping kind of love. The kind of love they make movies about. The kind I so gleefully watched as a 14-year-old from shows such as The Vampire Diaries. That someday, someone would make me feel like what Stefan made Elena feel in Season 1. That even though being with him was dangerous (and not even on a figurative sense), she was willing to take all the risks of being with him. This love, this love that made Elena describe their feelings as epic, this was the kind of passionate, exhilarating, and out of this world crazy love that I always searched for.

Breathless. That has always been my favourite word. And no, I am in no way referencing the 1960s Godard film here, although in most cases I probably would. But no, I’m talking about that feeling of being short of breath. I have always liked that word as it’s the only word I have found to describe the epicness of being able to dance on top of a table on a Friday night in your local bar, or running until you feel your lungs pulsing beneath your shirt, or a make out session with a stranger you just met in the bathroom of a fully crowded room while there’s a growing line of people waiting outside. Breathless. That is what you feel when you do such things. I expected love to not be any different. That when love finally finds me, it will come at me like a speeding bus that would hit me hard til I see stars as I struggle to breathe in air.

But no, it wasn’t like that at all. It wasn’t like that at all with him.

For the first time after a string of bad breakups from literal bad boys, I met this guy who was so different from any of the guys I had dated since college. We met as co-officers of a school organisation that caters to sexually-abused young girls and orphaned children. I remember my best friend and I used to joke around about how funny it is that we still get shocked when guys that we date don’t treat us right when we literally meet all of them in bars on a school night. And so, having this guy who was interested in me not because i looked cute on a tank top while drinking a glass of weng-weng or because I looked like a challenge for him to take while other guys on the table hit on me as well, it was a refreshing take. That for the first time, instead of small talks and casual flirting, I was talking to a guy sharing insights about an organization we both worked in. That instead of playing drinking games I get to discuss smart ideas about advocacies that I strongly believe in. If I go through our whole dating story I wouldn’t have time. But it’s worth mentioning that this guy never made me feel any kind of danger. Maybe it’s because he wasn’t a blood-sucking vampire unlike Stefan Salvatore, but he also wasn’t the kind of danger that regular college douchebags are. He was in for the right reasons. I am not going to lie and say we don’t fight a lot. But I was treated not as a flavor of the month for once, but actually someone to hold onto and possibly expect a future with.


The horses, the thunderbolts, the emotions we were once caught in

The Notebook (2004)
The Notebook (2004)

As a little girl I was a sucker for romance
The word ‘love’ always kept me in a trance
Even at a young age I could not help but notice
Songs are sung, ballads are written for a feeling such as this
So when I had gladly finally found that someone
Who filled my mind all through the night til dawn
I let myself bask into the whole ordeal
Of having someone to love that is real

He’s a gentle breeze on a still summer night
Like a warm pillow that I just want to hold tight
The comfort and the security that he is
Are things that I pray I never have to miss
I still remember how it all started
How a friend turned into someone I wanted
They asked, “Who among the guys would you go for?”
We were drinking and my eyes stopped at the door

On cue you walked into the darkened room
From a cigarette break, I presume
As I looked into your eyes I realized
It’s not the first time I thought of them in my mind
Those unduly thick eyebrows I always wondered how
They dance gracefully whether you smile or frown
Not to mention the dimples that fill me with ease
The way they appear when you laugh, oh they were such a tease

Although we barely talk, we barely chat
Just small conversations nothing out of the hat
Right then there was nothing else I wanted to do
Than kiss those pink lips that were so rudely owned by you
As I pressed my own pair on yours I felt a rush
Didn’t think this whole time I was hiding a crush
To my surprise you kissed me back and pulled me closer
Held my hand, touched my neck, and kissed me slower

Eventually after weeks we both admitted
To our feelings for each we both yielded
We started dating and the days became passionate
Stolen moments in between classes, stolen kisses on dates
When you either pick me up or bring me home to my place
The feeling cannot compete just like how you taste
A thousand horses inside my chest galloping
A thunderbolt thumping hard and vibrating

I kept every moment of you staring at me
Like that instance you took a mental image of me
You cupped my face and whispered onto my ear

“Hana, don’t be afraid to fall, I’ll be right here.”
And just like that I let myself fall hard and fast
Didn’t bother to step on the break didn’t stop the gas
So of course, I am hurting so much right now
I had no walls I gave all of me to you somehow

We spent many late nights hanging in your car
A lot of deep talks exchanged, dreams upon a star
Opened myself to you like I had never done before
To each other we candidly shared more and more
We were a couple no one could ever separate
We were so in love, yet now we find ourselves in this state
We still care for each other, that’s for sure
But our future has now sadly become obscure

Now, instead of you bringing me breakfast every morning
I wake up day by day anxious if you’d be texting
Every minute, every hour is no longer spent with you
No more Monday dates we used to look forward to
Before we sleep I’m at a lost whether I should
Say ‘I love you’ like old times or would it be no-good
Don’t know anymore if I still have the right to ask
Where are you? How have you been? What were you doing last?

All those things made me think I was slowly losing you
Until that day you insisted to meet out of the blue
You asked me where I was and if you could drop by
When you came you smelled of alcohol and with tears that dried
“Don’t care about anything anymore,” you said, “All I want is you.”
Pushed me onto a wall, gave me a kiss that was long overdue
And just like that first time our lips touched that September
I held your hand, touched your neck, and kissed you slower

And suddenly I remembered all that we had forgotten
The horses, the thunderbolts, the emotions we were once caught in
We had ravaged the relationship we carefully held onto
Ruined our love but I know we can still make do
All the future and fun we had planned together
Are all still here like a stubborn long hard winter
And the little kid who used to fantasize about romance
Experienced it with you, Bar, so will you give her another chance?